Monday, March 22, 2010

He'll be fine, but will I?

This is a big week. I have to do something and I’m just not ready to do it yet. It makes me want to dig in my claws and resist as hard as I can.
I have to take my baby, my firstborn, my Logan, to kindergarten round-up.
Just thinking about it makes me well up.
I know he’s ready. Academically, he’s beyond ready. Socially, I think he’s good. I don’t think being away from me all day is going to be a really big deal for him, especially since he gets to pick out his very own lunch box and probably a new backpack, too. He’s pretty excited about it, actually. He keeps wanting me to drive past the elementary school where he will likely be attending kindergarten—the same one, I might add, that I attended. He checked a bunch of books about kindergarten out of the library and he got to tour a kindergarten with his preschool class as a sort of in-house field trip.
But me, oh, I’m dreading this, the transition from preschooler to full-fledged school kid. It’s a huge step in his life—a huge step away from me. He’s going to become so much more independent. He’ll be influenced by other kids and he’ll see and hear (and probably do) things I don’t want him to see and hear and do. I lost my first tooth in kindergarten. I was teased by the first-graders on the playground. I kissed a boy in the coatroom, for pity’s sake!
Oh, I know this is part of parenting. I know it’s technically my job to have him grow up and away from me, but it isn’t easy. Hubby and I have been his main influences for his entire life, and now we are going to get a chance to see if what we taught him is going to stick.
Will he be a hard worker? Will he be polite? Will he be kind to the other children and respectful to his teacher? Will the other kids be nice to him? Will he, a notoriously slow and picky eater, actually ingest anything of nutritious value at lunch, or will he simply eat the snack and toss the rest?
The thing is, I’m not going to know the answers to these questions unless he or the teacher tells me. It will be somewhat out of my hands. That makes me nervous.
I don’t have doubts in Logan’s ability to be a good boy, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that for the first time, I’m not really going to get to be there to direct him. He will be making his own choices.
Oh, sure, he’s done some of this in preschool. Preschool has also helped teach me to let go a little bit. I guess that’s what it’s for. But preschool is only a couple hours, a couple days a week. Kindergarten is longer, and it’s more often.
So, this fall will begin my baby’s actual school years.
That means I really need to suck the time up this summer. This is the last summer before my baby becomes a school kid.
Darn it, I’m crying again.
Well, I guess I can look at it this way: Jordan will get some of the one-on-one time with me that he deserves. Logan had so much of it when he was a baby and toddler, and Jordan has had to share me his whole life. It will be nice to be able to focus on him when Logan is at school, and I am sure we’ll both be looking forward to the time of day when Logan gets home from school.
It’s going to take me a while to get used to, though, so if you see me in the store this summer with a big five-year-old kid, standing in front of the lunch boxes sobbing my eyes out, don’t mind me.
I’m just trying to grow up along with my kid.
He’ll be fine. It’s me I’m worried about.


MarciaG said...

I think you might surprise yourself Krys!! ;)
I was the most chocked up on the day I dropped Amara off and she did not need me to walk her to the door...and the sight of her HUGE backpack(it literally swallowed her up) -yea it was a bittersweet moment, but she was so so excited and her excitment has not faltered. So, in a way she helped me. I a sure if she had been crying or upset about the matter then I would have too.
Enjoy your summer with Logan--or you might want to just homeschool him! ;)

Tina said...

I agree with all that Marcia said. I am sure it will be a tough adjustment because your baby boy is growing up. But there are so many positives as well that will come of it. I'm sure he will love school and you will grow to love seeing him grow and learn. Plus, imagine how excited he is going to be when he gets to see you at the end of each day :)